For me the moment I received the devastating news in 2005 that I had Hepatitis C my world and outlook on life changed. Not just changed but literally stopped. I was swept up in the emotions of being a carrier of a deadly disease. Soon to witness this same disease take my own mothers last breath.
I have written countless times on the change this disease took on my emotional health and the dark depression I went into. Something happened that day as well that I really didn’t notice or take into count for as well and that was my goal setting or dreaming of what my future would be like. All that halted the day of the diagnosis.
My life instantly changed from day dreaming of things I wanted to do or places I wanted to see. To thinking how I was going to get through that very day. How was I going to muster up the strength to go to my business or sit through a cheerleading event. Not only those things but I now stressed about my daily prescriptions, my health insurance, my doctors visits all the way to being scared of the next medical procedure needed to test my liver. My thoughts were surrounded with visions of people in white coats with stethoscopes around their necks carrying a tray of tubes for the next blood draw.
Somehow my once filled thoughts of beaches, my garden, my hobbies had disappeared. Sad thing really is I didn’t acknowledge this until a very close friend that I leaned on through my journey with hep c asked me what I would like to do for summer break. I remember them asking this and my mind was completely blank... No thought what so ever. The harder I tried to think of a nice getaway the more blank it got.
That is when I realized that 9 years of my diagnosis had been nothing short of just trying to survive. Something happened to me that dreadful day in 2005 that robbed me of any thought of a goal or future dreams. Was it my own mind protecting myself from the pain and uncertainty of my future? Not allowing myself to vision something wonderful and happy?
I am sure anyone whether it is a cancer diagnosis or hepatitis c goes through this. It is not anything I can explain to someone who never experienced a death sentence. It is like I no longer welcomed or felt deep down that I was worthy of happiness or dreaming of a dream to come true. Again very hard to put into words but those of you having gone through this I am sure understand to some degree.
If I could change one thing about my journey with hepatitis c and shockingly enough it would not be “to not have hepatitis c” (I will explain later) It would be to force myself to dream, to envision opportunities and not live under a dark cloud. I push so hard to stay positive and keep focused as that is what I have learned helped my overall day and body feel good. What we fill our mind with ultimately reflects our bodies coping skills. My life has become so much richer than I ever dreamed possible being diagnosed with Hep C. The countless people I have met through this journey has been life changing. Some have truly become a part of my family. Going through this you learn how to fight and how to love. You learn how to accept and receive this love back. That is priceless and so if I had to do it all again- I vote for Hep C !!
Take time out of each day to ~DREAM~ allow yourself that beauty of realizing that even though it may not be what we truly dreamed of that perhaps its the devine way to get through a life changing diagnosis.
Remember... Stay Positive, Stay Focused
“Not without a fight!~HCV~(c)”
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